John Kerry's Hollywood:
I will stand up and struggle, as others have, to try to get that right balance between violence, and sex, and things.
Others may flip-flop about the precise combination of sex and violence a presidential candidate should endorse, but not Tall John, oh no. He knows that America wants a balance. Not too smutty for the sake of observant Catholics, but filthy enough for Mapplethorpe-displaying bohemians; just violent enough for blue-collar union members, but pacifistic to a degree appealing to fuzzy-thinking vegan hippies. John Kerry: Truly a man with his priorities straight!
(Via Best of the Web Today
UPDATE: The Monger
calls me on my shameful omission of mentioning the Things in question. If I had to choose, Thing 1 and Thing 2 seem most appropriate...